FallFaceForward

on my circle of error i go round and round

2011-08-01T19:11:00.004-05:00

i often get asked what the tattoo around my forearm says- which is the title of this post. It's the chorus line from a Sixpence None the Richer song of the same name. i thought i'd share the lyrics of the entire song.

i see the wonder setting in over where i am going and where i've been
and by the way when i kneel to pray it never seems you're there
and i'll admit that i do not try when it's easier to sit down and cry
i'm so full of doubt want to let it out let it out all over you

on my circle of error i go round and round
on my circle of error i go round and round again

i'm running things into the ground all the truth i am seeking has not been found
and i am weak all the words i speak bring no passion anymore
and will i try for happiness in the midst of all this emptiness
all i want is you if i only knew how to get up off this floor

on my circle of error i go round and round
on my circle of error i go round and round again

Depression

2011-07-09T21:32:00.002-05:00

It's back. I've lost B again. It's been a long time since he's hit this low. I'm in shock. How foolish were we to just do nothing all these years. To let ourselves believe that he was "better".

It's been a 2 week slide leading up to yesterday. Now, i have no idea how long it will be before he comes back to me.

Thoughts:
1. my heart is breaking for him. i can't imagine how empty he must feel.
2. A. why did i think we could have a kid? when B crashes, its all i can do to keep myself going let along now take care of A. i think A knows. he's been clinging & whiny all week. what if we break him? i have so much guilt.
3. how long will this last? what does this mean for us? what about money? who will care for A?
4. God, please come. we need you now.

RANT

2011-05-18T21:33:00.002-05:00

May is National Employee Wellness month. My office officially unveiled our newly renovated gym yesterday and is hosting a slew of fitness events this week to celebrate.

i hate it when you're talking with another woman and you make a comment about your body like; "my thighs and my butt are my biggest problem areas.", and their response is to compare your body to themselves: "your thighs don't even touch, look at mine, they rub together.". Uhem. That's not the point. Yes, your thighs do rub together when you walk, or stand; but i'm not trying to compete with you. Um, you're winning?

We hosted a guest speaker today to talk about her own personal weight loss/fitness journey and while listening to her story, i was again sparked w/ motivation. "i can do this!" i thought to myself while she spoke & i ate my personal pan pizza. *sigh* i don't know if i'll ever be willing to make the life changes needed to lose some weight and stay there.

i hope you know.

2011-02-13T12:38:00.002-06:00

a friend cried on my shoulder today. as i left her, i whispered 'you know i love you'. i sit now and think: i hope she does know that. i DO love her. Even though we don't talk that often, or seek each other out most weeks. Then i wondered: i hope others know i love them. Not my husband, or our families, but those friends that i don't make a point to really try and see often because i feel like i can barely keep the little chaos in my life on track.

i love you friends, with all my heart.

Valentine

2011-02-12T11:21:00.006-06:00

i loved her, and she left me broken hearted.

i never learned what happened, and it's been years since she departed.

Fear

2010-08-22T13:17:00.003-05:00

i have nightmares about my step father. Where he is trying to hurt me and i am fighting him. Protecting my family.

i don't sleep well, i never have. When i was a kid i would have trouble falling asleep. These days it's more of an issue that once sleeping, i have stressful dreams and my sleep is not restful. i've always included the nights that i dream about my step dad w/ the other "stress" dreams. But last night, after yet another terrifying one, i woke up today and realize they're not the same. i'm still hurting.

i made peace years ago w/ how awfully he treated me growing up but in the recent years my mom finally had enough and left him and has been dragging out a divorce for almost 5 years. It's brought up old feelings. Feelings of disgust at him for seeing how he treats her and his own children even. So easily brushed aside for his own agenda. His love is conditional. More so though it's just brought up pain. Our family is so broken. We've always been broken. And it kills me. i cry when i think that my wonderful mother has now been forced to end another marriage. When will she finally be given the love she's deserved?! i cry when i see how distant D. is from us all, how bitter G. is, and how cast-aside A. feels by her dad, how my youngest brothers have been denied most of their childhood w/ this burden. They do all this to protect themselves and i understand that.

Worse yet, when i woke up this morning i realized; i HATE my step father. HATE HATE HATE him. For years i've always had the line "i don't hate anyone, but there's one that i strongly dislike.". Who have i been kidding, i hate him.

While i constantly pray for him; pray that he'll realize what he's losing, how his actions are so deeply hurting his wife and kids, i also find myself thinking that i wish he'd die. That until he's gone, things will never really be any better. My mom will never feel out of his grasp and he'll continue to spew evil and hurt my siblings.

Maybe he could just move far away, maybe that would be enough.

Transition

2010-07-19T22:05:00.003-05:00

I'm now a mom. My son, A., was born on June 6th. He's healthy and usually happy.

It's weird.

A week after being home someone commented on how "fun" it is. It's not fun. It's not awful, but whoever believes the adjustment period of taking care of a newborn who's in constant need of your attention was 'fun' well, they must have lead a sad sad life leading up to the arrival of their bundle of joy.

Don't get me wrong, I'm already desperately in love w/ A. Which i think God does on purpose: plants instant love in mothers for their children. Because if i didn't have this love for him, man, i'd soooo resent the impact on my life he has. I miss my old life.

I miss the freedom to just get up and go, not have to plan out my trips around feedings. I miss really being able to completely relax, and enjoy the quiet moments w/ my husband. Now i feel that in those brief gaps there's so much to accomplish before the next round. I miss my little boobs. And wearing eyeliner.

Eventually i believe some of these things will come again, once i feel more sure of myself. But for now, i kind of trudge along motivated to keep going by A's cooing. :)

lol my glamorous life has dwindled down to living in a sports bra and wearing my hair up in a perma-bun.

Irony (or something like it)

2010-02-02T10:45:00.002-06:00

So... ironically when i wrote my last post about not fitting in and not being pregnant turns out i actually was pregnant. In fact, i was 2 months along pregnant and i just didn't know it yet. lol

So i got myself knocked up. I'm now 5 months along and on my way to having a bouncing baby (boy?) by the middle of June. i'm terrified. okay, i'm excited too but the the closer and more real this is becoming the more i find myself asking "what have i done??!!!". lol

i feel bad for all those around me. i'm not a very fun pregnant lady. i'm having a great, healthy pregnancy- no complaints at all- what i mean is that i don't like to talk about it. Just because i'm pregnant doesn't mean i now want my life to revolve around that topic.
I don't get into picking out nursery colors and HATE the fact that my crib bedding options are seriously limited to pink w/flowers, blue w/animals, or brown w/polka dots. Can't anything be solid colored????
people ask me all the time 'how are you feeling?'. if i was feeling awful, wouldn't it be akward if i spilled all of that on you? lol

Anyways, i just want to clarify; i'm not grumping or anything, i do enjoy thinking about decorating and cute baby clothes and all that yadda yadda. I just don't want to vocalize it all the time.

Christmas

2009-12-22T12:27:00.005-06:00

Last year i posted a Christmas Wish List and i thought it would be fun to see how many of those things i received over the past year. It turns out a lot! I am SO blessed!

Christmas Wish List for 2008
1. a stand-up popcorn popper and a bag of kernels- i got two. :)
2. gift certificates to maurices- no g.c.'s but my discount still kicks butt!
3. for K.H. to get well- K.H. passed away just last week. In a sense, she is well now.
4. a trip to some beach where i can lay out, get tan, go snorkling, and buy whatever i want- i FINALLY went to Florida to visit my sister G. We spent every day lying on the beach.
5. my industrial piercing back- nope
6. tattoo's- yes that's plural- this past summer i went and got an arm band
7. $10,000- i don't want to be too greedy, i figure this is just the right amount to make a dent in my debt and buy some fun things- :(
8. $300,000+ to give to Animal Allies to help build the new shelter- while i personally didn't donate this, the new shelter did reach it's funding and is now open and operating!
9. some sort of miracle that will cause me to lose 40 lbs without having to exercise or watch what i eat ever.- i did drop a few more pounds by June but i'm now pregnant so it was short lived.
10. a mini fridge for my cube at work- found one for cheap on Craigslist
11. unlimited free shakes at Cold Fusion- i'm over it.
12. movies: Aladin, Pocohantas, The Muppet Movie, Peter Pan, Dangerous Beauty, and probably a zillion other titles.- still waiting
13. front row tickets to go see Maroon 5 and the County Crows in concert.- this was their tour last year and sadly, i think i missed my chance.
14. a brand new car!!!!!! with a remote starter!!!!- while i didn't get a brand new car, Hubby did have a remote start installed in our Honda for my Christmas gift last year.
15. okay i guess more money: enough money to pay off my school loans, schooling to come, my mortgage, Hubby's parent's mortgage, buy my mom a house, donate to my church and her church, take my whole family on a vacation, take all my friends on a vacation, remodel my kitchen and basement, so on and so on, and have enough left over to put a good chunk in the bank.- i really need to start playing the lottery
16. gift certificates to Olive Garden, Va Bene, or any other yummy italian joint.- i think i may have gotten a g.c. for Olive Garden
17. unlimited free massages from Jodi Christienson massage therapy- my back hurts. :(
18. fake eyelash extensions- still short and clumpy
19. black nail polish that wouldn't chip off so quickly-i'm too cheap
20. sleepovers with T.-we don't even talk anymore. :( not sure what happened
21. unlimited free ciders and sandwiches at Sir Ben's-due to the unexpected change in my social circle i never go to Sir Ben's anymore. That doesn't mean i don't miss it.
22. an assistant buyer position at work- not there yet, but i did take the next step and move into a buying support position
23. cute pink heels-check!
24. for my brand new Sorels to NOT dig into my heels- seriously ugh.- they just needed to break in
25. my family members to each individually pull their lives together/ stop being immature/ love each other/ which ever of those applies to them.-slow and steady
26. my back to stop hurting-seriously.
27. to be stronger and more focused in my faith-again, slow and steady
28. to be 'discovered'.... doing what? i have no idea.-hollywood hasn't noticed me yet
29. for Hubby's hair to grow back (shhhh..... i know i'm sad, but if i'm wishing.....)-no, but currently he's given up the buzz cut i hate so much
30. to know what books to read-i think i managed 4
31. a marshmallow santa-dozens
32. the war in Iraq to be over-i don't think it ever will
33. to see J.P. every day-move home!
34. my hair to grow another 4 inches over night-maybe an inch but it doesn't seem like it

well, i guess that's all i've got for now.

i'm starting to believe that i will never fit in again, ever.

2009-10-12T09:24:00.002-05:00

ugh. so it's October and i'm not pregnant. now i realize i've got 2 more weeks of the month left for this status to change, but it's looking very unlikely at this point.
yesterday my husband and i hung with a bunch of 1 year olds for 1.5 hours- soooo draining.
why do i want kids? to be honest, i'm having a lot more days lately where i think maybe i don't. ever want them.
i mean, i feel stressed finacially enough as it is, i like how selfish i can be with my time.... is the only reason i feel the need to procreate is to fit in?

The women at my church are baby making machines. Average amount of kids per couple: 3.5. and if that weren't enough for them, many also take on a handful of foster kids at a time. There are two women that are my age and prego with their 3rd right now. MY AGE!!!! There's a couple who had 6 children up until 3 weeks ago when they traveled abroad to adopt 3 more AND the wife's prego!!!! Seriously, these women are baby crazy!

Which works for them. They're happy, and i'm happy for them.

But, even if were to pop one out in the next year or so and maybe that goes smoothly so i decide to have another. That'll be it. i still won't hold a candle to these huge families.

Plus, my social situation wouldn't change. All these woman have the (good?) fortune to stay at home all day with their children. They have playdates and what-not, i have no plans(and can't afford) to stay home- i'd loose my mind. So i'd still be left out of the 'mom' club.

it's such a hard decision. and one obviously that has to be made with Hubby.

The only reason i feel called to have children is because if i don't, what's the next big thing to look forward to in life?

Under Construction

2009-09-07T00:56:00.002-05:00

Stay Tuned all Of you One! Something amazing WILL be happening on here Soon.

Sunday Renewal

2009-08-24T10:14:00.002-05:00

Every Sunday night I am renewed through my church's worship & service. I love to sing in general and singing worship to my God just makes me feel wonderful! I feel refreshed, encouraged, & prepared to start the new week with God as my center. Sadly, i usually don't follow through as well as I'd like with making Him my priority. I still never read my Bible, or pray on a daily basis, or witness to others (really witness). I just continue to live my very blessed life knowing in my heart how important God is to me, but wondering if that's enough. Does God really care if I read my Bible or pray to Him daily? Or are we Christians the ones who've decided it's important to do those things so many times a day/week/month/year in order to be "following" God?

BE MY EVERYTHING!
BE MY EVERYTHING!
BE MY EVERYTHING!
BE MY EVERYTHING!

CHRIST IN ME!
CHRIST IN ME!
CHRIST IN ME THE HOPE OF GLORY!
YOU ARE EVERYTHING!

clever

2009-07-09T08:09:00.003-05:00

i wish i was inspired to be clever with my writings on here. somedays i am, but i'm too easily distracted or i get bored too quickly to really wrap up each post in a clever-full circle, kind of way.

lonely

2009-07-07T11:40:00.002-05:00

This past late winter i lost a significant group of friends all at once. These were a group of 4 women who i had worked with at my previous employer. it was devastating experience for me. To sum it all up: 2 of these 4 were what i would call my 'best friends'. i lost one of them to a new boyfriend & new roommate. it became clear that while i had considered her one of my greatest confidants, she merely had seen me as someone to fill a void in her life until someone better came along. The other i was the one who cut ties. She had begin to make impossible demands of me and would hold things against me that i never said or did. i think it was her way of dealing with the stress & worry of not holding up to others expectations (i.e. her parents). When i told her goodbye, i realized shortly after that in doing so, i had said 'goodbye' to all 4.

i cried a lot over the next month. wondering if i was the one who was wrong. what was i doing that it was so easy for these women to just abandon my friendship. i have longed since the days of my high school best friend to once again find friendship with a female peer that i could relate with, share all with, laugh & have fun with, be close with. I thrive on close relationships like that. The events with these 4 women have made me begin to wonder if i am alone in this desire for closness.

Without these friends i've found myself in an in-between sort of place. The women i see daily now; my co-workers, at church, etc., all seem to be in a different place in their lives. They have kids. lol They're not interested(or able) in what still interests me; going out, movie nights in, and so forth. Or maybe they're interested but having kids seems to put a hinder on outings. i've started to joke that i'll have a baby just to improve my social status. : )
So i'm trying to find new hobbies & relationship styles to tide me over until i can join the "i'm a mom" crowd.

Am i alone Generation Y women? Do you seek the closeness of female friendships?

planner

2009-07-02T14:05:00.003-05:00

Sometimes i like to type just because. it's soothing.

i'm sure many of you have noticed there's a large gap between now and my last post. Okay, none of you have noticed because no one is following this blog. Regardless, the reason behind this is I am new to blogspot and previously had been posting on another site and just now decided to transfer over. So i only took with a little of my material. the posts i really liked.

today i'm going to post about my marriage. for those of you who don't know me(and hopefully that's all of you as i tried hard to hide my identity on here so that way i won't feel hindered to say what i want), i married my high school sweetheart and we are currently living out our "happily ever after"(insert romantic sigh and maybe a little eyelash batting. no, no, that's too much). sure we have days were we fight and it hurts, and i cry, but thankfully that's not the ropes of our relationship. 95% of the time we get along quite splendedly and through all our years together(10) we've worked out most of the personality clashes.

i'm so greatful. and so blessed to have a happy, healthy marriage. it's rewarding.

and due to the above being true, Hubby and i are taking the next step: children (insert gasp or horror film style scream). So maybe this post is about kids.
we'd been talking for the past year-ish about when to consider starting to procreate and that time is now. Well, August. but, i've gone of of my birth control and for the next month it's condoms only(blah). Now i'm the planning type of person, so choosing August was no accident. Two things you should know about me: 1. i don't have that overwhelming "all i want to do is be a stay at home mom" desire. i do want kids, but well, i don't want to have a zillion, or stay home with them, or change my life too much. i've never felt like that. in fact, i used to not want kids at all until i had been dating Hubby for awhile. 2. i live in a land that stays cold for 9 months out of the year.
So, now knowing those facts here's why I chose August to try to get pregnant. If i were to get pregnant in August. or Sept. or Oct. for that matter, I'd have the baby in May, June, or July. Thus going on maternity leave during the warm weather season here. Which means i would spend more time outdoors with the baby, being active, and hopefully then lose the weight faster. Which i believe will help prevent me from getting depressed.
If i were to have the baby in say, January, when it's -20 out, and i'm holed up inside, chubby, with a new infant screaming and not sleeping..... i can totally see myself breaking down and having to like seek psych. help. lol So i'm trying to ensure this doesn't happen. lol

Which most likely means that if i'm not prego after Oct. it'll be back to birth control and try again next year. lol some of you are probably rolling your eyes by now. Here are a few other child-rearing tidbits about my plans that you might also find awful (well, if you're a mom):
- i plan to only breastfed for like 3 months max.
- i really do only want one child. (oh no! he'll be so lonely!!!)
- i'm okay with sticking my kid in daycare
- during labor- i want the drugs!

Okay, i'll give you a moment to recover from this.

Actually, i'm bored now.

My Christmas Wish List

2008-12-19T08:00:00.001-06:00

and in no particular order of importance...... everything i could possible want at this moment

1. a stand-up popcorn popper and a bag of kernels
2. gift certificates to maurices
3. for K.H. to get well
4. a trip to some beach where i can lay out, get tan, go snorkling, and buy whatever i want
5. my industrial piercing back
6. tattoo's- yes that's plural
7. $10,000- i don't want to be too greedy, i figure this is just the right amount to make a dent in my debt and buy some fun things
8. $300,000+ to give to Animal Allies to help build the new shelter
9. some sort of miracle that will cause me to lose 40 lbs without having to exercise or watch what i eat ever
10. a mini fridge for my cube at work
11. unlimited free shakes at Cold Fusion
12. movies: Aladin, Pocohantas, The Muppet Movie, Peter Pan, Dangerous Beauty, and probably a zillion other titles
13. front row tickets to go see Maroon 5 and the County Crows in concert
14. a brand new car!!!!!! with a remote starter!!!!
15. okay i guess more money: enough money to pay off my school loans, schooling to come, my mortgage, Hubby's parent's mortgage, buy my mom a house, donate to my church and her church, take my whole family on a vacation, take all my friends on a vacation, remodel my kitchen and basement, so on and so on, and have enough left over to put a good chunk in the bank
16. gift certificates to Olive Garden, Va Bene, or any other yummy italian joint
17. unlimited free massages from Jodi Christienson massage therapy
18. fake eyelash extensions
19. black nail polish that wouldn't chip off so quickly
20. sleepovers with T.
21. unlimited free ciders and sandwiches at Sir Ben's
22. an assistant buyer position at work
23. cute pink heels
24. for my brand new Sorels to NOT dig into my heels- seriously ugh
25. my family members to each individually pull their lives together/ stop being immature/ love each other/ which ever of those applies to them.
26. my back to stop hurting
27. to be stronger and more focused in my faith
28. to be 'discovered'.... doing what? i have no idea.
29. for Hubby's hair to grow back (shhhh..... i know i'm sad, but if i'm wishing.....)
30. to know what books to read
31. a marshmallow santa
32. the war in Iraq to be over
33. to see J.P. every day
34. my hair to grow another 4 inches over nightwell, i guess that's all i've got for now.

what is wrong with (us) (Americans) (humanity)

2008-07-05T17:30:00.001-05:00

Today after our nation's independance day i worked in the ER. For those of you unfamiliar to the interworkings of a hospital emergency department; days directly after a holiday are very busy. Today was no exception in that regard.Today, along with the usual pains, illnesses, and injuries (with a surprising number of cat bites lately), there's a 50% increase in the amount of intoxicated people who get brought in.
Drunk people who have gotten into fights with people they usually call 'friend', drunk people who were found passed out in the middle of the road, drunk people who are suffering from alcohol poisoning. How awful is that?
Today we had a SA victim arrive mid morning. She was attacked by a male and female, both strangers, and raped both vaginally and anally. She was my age, and from now on she will be terrified to ever be alone. She will always have fear in her when someone she passes on the street turns to look at her. How awful is that?
Today as my husband(Hubby) was driving home a boy who looked to be about 12 walked in front of his car, and as Hubby hit the breaks he noticed that the boys ear was bleeding profusly. So he turned the car around and proceeded to follow the boy and attempt to get answers to if he was okay. The boy was in a state of shock and not very responsive so finally my husband stopped, put him in our car and took him home. There was no one home at the boy's house so Hubby called the paramedics who came and took him to the ER. Before they arrived, one of the only things Hubby was able to get the boy to say was what had happened to him. His answer, "i had a problem with some kids". He was beaten up by several other youth to the point that they had ruptured his ear drum and caused severe bleeding. How awful is that?
Hubby says i need to put things into perspective that i see the worst of what's out there. That 80,000 people were out celebrating yesterday and the few 100 that make their way into the hospital is just the tiniest percent.Today i am angry at (us) (humanity) (Americans).

take me back to your house(your house)

2008-02-26T22:00:00.001-06:00

heard multiple bands play over multiple days, spent hundreds of dollars on food, slept through most sunlight hours, layed awake nights sharing secrets.

explored a city alone, rummaged through strangers belongings, tried to start fights, attempted to live a lifestyle so unlike my own.

felt unsure of myself, expressed passion at times, listened and took it all in.

decided that most people drunk make themselves look bad, wanted to play with paper mache, realized how unhealthy i eat.

grew to appreciate my currently mundane life, missed the love of my life, became humbled by the blessings i've been given, hoped the love i have radiates to others who maybe don't feel it as much.

fell in love again with J.

beamed with pride at A.

if not let alone to sleep threatened to kill H.